Self-sabotaging is a behaviour when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. These goals can vary from improving our daily habits to building an empire. Self-sabotaging behaviour might lead not only to our physical but to mental and emotional destruction. Usually one of the reasons we self-sabotage is emotional dysregulation. Another reason could be cognitive dissonance. Both reasons are learnt behaviour that is rooted in our childhood and adolescent years.
Because of these six feelings below we subconsciously self-sabotage our success, happiness and well-being:
Guilt as self-sabotage
“Because I carry guilt therefore I should be punished“
Guilt is an emotion, that we experience, when we realise that we have done something against our beliefs of right and wrong. Guilt can be deeply rooted in our childhood by a parent who blamed us for their poor health or being angry. Through the feeling of guilt, quite often, our parents made sure that we will behave according to their standards. Of course, if we crossed the line, that was given to us, we were punished. All actions have consequences indeed. But being made to feel guilty for someone else’s thoughts and wishes, is not the best parenting move.
Shame as self-sabotage
“Because I am ashamed therefore I should hide/supress“
Shame is a self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
Constant criticising and pointing out our weak sides or body shaming in early, developmental years, leads to constant feelings of warped self-awareness and shame. We do not feel worthy of love or happiness until we fix what is wrong with us. It can be excess weight, or the shape of our nose, our eyes, etc. This constant pursuit of being perfect can prove really detrimental to ourselves because we will continue funding faults with us.
Broken as self-sabotage
“Because I am broken therefore I should appear whole”
The feeling you feel when you don’t feel. When you’ve given up on all love, hope and faith and you know there’s no way to get over it. You feel that there is actually nothing left in you.
This psychological state is extremely difficult to heal because we do not feel anything. We cannot experience joy or sadness. We just feel empty. The feeling broken appears when after a significant event in our life, we feel as if life is not worth living. We feel destroyed and we are just existing as a body, waiting to die.
Blame as self-sabotage
“Because I carry blame, therefore I should carry all burdens”
When we experience blame, we hold ourselves responsible not only for our mistakes but for others’ mistakes too. We feel as if we should carry not only our burden but others’ burdens as well. When we are self-blaming, it is often because we were conditioned from an early age to take on responsibility and ownership for things that weren’t ours to carry.
Unloved as self-sabotage
“Because I am unloved, therefore I should be perfect”
The feeling that nobody loves us, leaves a deep wound that we desperately want to heal. That wound has long-lasting effects ranging from lack of trust to mental health conditions. Usually, this wound is received in our early years, when our caregivers didn’t fulfil our emotional needs.
In the pursuit for us to feel loved, we have developed the thinking that if we are perfect, then and only then, we are deserving of being loved.
Imperfect as self-sabotage
“Because I am imperfect therefore, I should imitate”
Being imperfect means that one or few sides of us do not fit in the standards, that have been projected onto us. These standards have been installed in us by parents, who wanted to appear as good parents in front of others. We have been taught that if we do not have high grades, slim bodies or a certain way of thinking and behaving, we bring shame on them and on ourselves. When we do not embrace our imperfections we deny the most valuable part of us – our originality.
I know, from personal experience, the damage and the weight of all of these feelings. But in the same time, I know that there is a way to reverse that damage and drop the weight they carry as well as to stop self-sabotaging ourselves.
If you are struggling with any of these feelings or even all of them, book your session with me.
