In the search for self-love, I embarked on a journey filled with twists and turns, highs and lows. It wasn’t until I hit a wall of exhaustion and self-doubt during the COVID-19 pandemic that I realized the depth of my struggle. In the inner chaos and the silence around me, disturbed only by bird songs, I confronted a truth I had long evaded – I didn’t love myself.
Behind a facade of calmness, I wrestled with feelings of inadequacy — never pretty enough, never smart enough, never enough in any way. The more I tried to mask these emotions, the more they engulfed me. But during the struggle and the Netflix binges, and contemplative coffee moments, a realization began to arise.
I devoured countless self-help resources, each prescribing familiar steps:
- stay positive,
- exercise,
- eat well,
- surround yourself with positivity.
Simple, right?
Yet, for me, these steps felt like climbing Mount Everest with depleted energy reserves. Balancing work, motherhood, and personal sanity left little room for anything else.
In the depths of my despair, I asked the pivotal question: “What’s wrong with me?” The answer echoed in my journal: “I’m not good enough.” But buried beneath this self-deprecation lay a startling revelation – I measured my worth by comparing myself to others—a lifelong conditioning I had blindly accepted.
I realized that to feel loved, I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to hold space for myself and more importantly, I need to learn to be more compassionate with myself. And while having a positive mindset, exercising daily, eating good food (whatever that means), and surrounding myself with positive people, sounds great and dead easy, it wasn’t that easy and simple to me.
From body image to career aspirations, I had internalized societal norms and familial expectations, forsaking my own desires in the process. Always prioritizing others’ happiness, I neglected my own needs, pushing my feelings away to the sidelines.
Confronting my fears, guilt, and shame felt like I was traversing treacherous terrain. Each emotion unearthed a deeper layer of conditioning, fueling resentment and regret. Yet, I kept going on, guided by a children’s book “We Are Going On A Bear Hunt” mantra: “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we have to go through it.”
Amidst the chaos of introspection, a glimmer of clarity emerged—one rooted in an unexpected encounter. While sorting through old memorabilia, I stumbled upon a faded photograph—a relic from my childhood. At that moment, as I looked at my younger self’s smile, I glimpsed a truth – a love unburdened by judgment, a love I once held for myself.
Peeling back layers of conditioning revealed a harsh truth – I had relinquished control of my life to societal expectations. Anger and frustration surged as I confronted the extent of my self-betrayal. Yet, in the turmoil, a small ray of hope emerged—a promise of liberation on the other side.
Exploring my emotional landscape liberated me from the prison of conditioning. With each realisation, I shed the weight of self-doubt, stepping into a newfound lightness of being. Though the journey was hard, the destination—self-love—proved worth every bit of effort.
In the depths of my self-exploration, I stumbled upon a profound truth – vulnerability is not weakness, but strength. Embracing my imperfections, my scars and my shortcomings allowed me to connect with myself on a deeper level. It was in moments of raw vulnerability that I found the courage to love myself, flaws and all.
If you, too, yearn to break free from the chains of conditioning and rediscover self-love, I invite you to embark on this transformative journey with me. Together, we’ll navigate the depths of your emotions, unravelling the threads that bind you, until you emerge—free, empowered, and ready to embrace the fullness of your being.
As I reflect on my journey, I’m reminded of the words of Lao Tzu: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Today, I stand as living proof that with courage and perseverance, even the most daunting journey—like the pursuit of self-love—is not only possible but profoundly rewarding.
